


How to Work Through Sticky Situations (Both Figurative and Literal)

by Superhiro



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Pies, a side of Todd being anxious and annoyed but it's fine, general silliness, it's pure fun, lots of pies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 01:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16483559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superhiro/pseuds/Superhiro
Summary: “What kind of asshole asks for thirty pies as payment for sharing his case, anyway? Isn’t he rich enough to afford this on his own if he wanted?”Dirk shrugged, clearly not pleased either. “Perhaps he just wanted to see if we would do it.”"I can’t believe we did,” Todd complained.--In which, Todd and Dirk inexplicably find themselves with thirty pies. Because of course they do.Written for the DGHDA SpookFest for prompt #75 'Pie'!





	How to Work Through Sticky Situations (Both Figurative and Literal)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, everyone! Very happy to finally share this piece for the SpookFest on tumblr! Special shoutout to Anna for organizing this whole thing, and for being patient with me as I fall slightly late with this! Hope you all enjoy this absolute silliness~

“Stop, _stop_ , Dirk, you’re going to drop them!” Todd screeched, slamming the car door shut and rushing to his side. He barely managed to fling his hands out and catch five of the ten bakery boxes dangerously wobbling in Dirk’s arms before they could go crashing to the pavement.

“Ah, yes, right, maybe not waiting on your help was ill-advised,” Dirk admitted, flashing Todd an innocent smile.

“You think?”

“But!” he exclaimed, “you were still there to catch them! You really are the most tremendous of assistants, Todd!”

Todd raised his eyebrows. “I thought I got a promotion.”

“Well, _obviously_ , but you’ll still always have those unmatched assistant instincts. It’s like you were made for the position! Although…” Dirk tipped to the side and pressed his lips to Todd’s briefly. “I do so enjoy the perks of having you as my boyfriend slash partner-in-all-things. On top of being the best friend that I’ve ever had.”

“I’ve got a lot of titles, huh?”

“Yes. And I could make up even more for you if I wanted!”

Todd snorted softly. “Yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Like what?”

Dirk went quiet, humming with contemplation as he clearly wracked his brain for more nonsense. Todd adjusted the boxes he was holding into a more comfortable position and began trailing down the sidewalk. The apartment they’d been renting the past few months required parking a few minutes down the road, but considering it wasn’t owned by a drug dealing lunatic, it was well worth the walk.

Sometimes doing it even proved to be nice.

There were many times when Todd _despised_ the autumn weather. It was just… the cold had never really agreed with him. Maybe because of his admittedly small stature, maybe because of some weird biological thing… whatever. It didn’t really matter why. The fact was, Todd needed multiple fuzzy layers to face the outdoors when the weather tipped into winter temperatures and even that wasn’t enough to keep him warm. It proved to bring many nights wrapped in three different fluffy blankets and cuddled up close to Dirk – not that the cuddling only occurred during those freezing days.

But today… it wasn’t so bad. It was even _nice_. Only a light breeze drifted through the air, and there were no cool drops of rain pouring down in sheets. It’s enough to feel decently comfortable being encased in, even if he did definitely still need the scarf and cozy flannel shirt he was wearing.

Their environment was almost picturesque. The leaves on trees were beautiful oranges, yellows, and reds, creating little piles on the ground and spreading colour through the wind. The faint scent of pumpkin spice emanated from a small café nearby and Todd caught Dirk’s eyes drift greedily over there while he continued his absentminded hums.

It would all be even more peaceful if not for the stupid request of their current client hanging over Todd’s head.

“Okay!” Dirk declared. “Punk Star!”

“Not really anymore,” Todd said. “And even in my Mexican Funeral days ‘star’ is probably pushing it.”

“But you play punk music and you’re really quite talented. Don’t sell yourself short, Todd. You’re a _punk star_!”

Todd’s lips curled into a little smile, and if Dirk noticed the pink in his cheeks… well, it was cold _enough_ to blame the weather. “Fine, sure… got anymore?”

“Obviously,” Dirk said, bumping their hips lightly together as they walked through the entrance of their building. “King of Cuddles. You’re so adorably clingy, and it feels _amazing_. Mm, Most Amazing Kisser, Holder of the Most Adorable Little Laugh…”

“Okay, now you’re just spewing bullshit.”

“Excuse! I am _not!_ ”

“Dirk…”

“ _Todd._ ”

Todd rolled his eyes, but there was no malice in it. Dammit, _nothing_ involving Dirk made him feel anything worse than mild annoyance, and that usually only lasted fleeting moments before evaporating completely. He was _so weak_. Dirk’s totally endearing dorkiness was even enough to make him forget they were carrying _ten pies_ between them up to their apartment.

“I’m still not finished, you know,” Dirk said, when Todd managed to unlock their door and push it open with his elbow.

“Yeah?” Todd asked, once the pies were stacked on the counter.

“Yes,” Dirk said, voice much softer now as he guided Todd back against the counter and pressed in close. “How about… the Actual Love of My Life? My Favourite Person in the Entire Universe?”

“I must be pretty lucky to receive such high titles,” Todd mused, heart thumping in his chest as he leaned forward just slightly…

“I’m _luckier_ to have found someone so worthy of them,” Dirk whispered.

The clash of their lips was an inevitably, impossibly soft and sweet as they gravitated closer together. It was the sort of thing Todd had grown addicted too, and he was ready to fully lose himself in it. The universe was clearly not on his side, because Dirk’s hands had just fallen onto his hips, and Todd’s rested on his shoulders when they were interrupted by a loud _ding_ from Dirk’s phone.

Todd groaned. “The client?”

Dirk regretfully pulled away to check and frowned at what he saw. “No, it’s Farah saying we should prepare the pies for our client before he arrives later.”

God, Todd _hated_ this. “What kind of asshole asks for _thirty_ pies as payment for sharing his case, anyway? Isn’t he rich enough to afford this on his own if he wanted?”

Dirk shrugged, clearly not pleased either. “Perhaps he just wanted to see if we would do it.”

“I can’t believe we _did,_ ” Todd complained, staring in mild disgust at the assortment of pies – ten pumpkin, seven sugar, five blueberry, five cherry, and three apple – and plethora of whipped cream containers scattered over their counter. It wasn’t enough that they’d had to buy all of this themselves, apparently they had to set them out nicely and make them look _pretty_ too.

_Ugh_. This case better be fucking good.

“Maybe he simply got absorbed in that _fall mood_ ,” Dirk suggested. “It _is_ the kind of weather that makes one crave lots of pie. Or maybe, he’s some kind of _wizard_ who can only access his powers by eating pie!”

Todd started moving the pies out of their boxes. “Yeah, no, he’s… he’s not gonna be a _pie wizard_ , Dirk.”

Thankfully, Dirk moved to assist him. “Don’t say ‘ _pie wizard’_ as if it’s the strangest thing you’ve ever heard.”

“I really wish it _was_. This whole thing is _so stupid_ and somehow I’m not even _surprised_.”

“Mm, yes, I find that we can’t allow ourselves the luxury of surprise anymore.” Dirk grinned. “But at least this case doesn’t have a murder-y start!”

“That’s really not setting the bar very high,” Todd said.

It was true though. They’d had way worse, but optimism be damned. Todd was still mourning having to actually _buy_ all of these. It cost more than he’d been expecting, and with the specific requests for flavours, they’d had to visit three different grocery stores before they found all they needed.

Really, this _did_ need to be a good case. They’d been managing okay up until now, however lately the cases seemed to be slowing down, and the downside of a decent apartment was the significantly higher rent that scraped away at their savings. Todd could tell they were in danger of tipping into the type of life he’d been living before – hardly managing to pay the month’s rent, and living the bare minimum in order to survive. He _couldn’t_ let that happen again. Not when him and Dirk were a package deal now. Every bit of money was something they needed to be careful about, and wasting it on _thirty pies_ made him a little sick.

They did look appealing when they were set up, at least, decorated clumsily with whipped cream and leaving their apartment smelling faintly sweet. Maybe he could sort of see why someone would want one so badly. _One._

Dirk was visibly proud when they stepped away, hands on his hips and eyes practically sparkling as if he’d managed to create a modern masterpiece. His hair was mussed slightly and his jacket and tie had long since been removed, leaving only his white button-up with sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It was kind of unnecessarily attractive.

“Well, I think we’ve found the best pies available in all of Seattle!” Dirk enthused. “If I were Wes, I would be _very_ pleased with us!”

As if on cue, Dirk’s phone _pinged_ with another notification, and he was quick to uncover the message. The way his bright smile fell made Todd’s stomach twist uncomfortably.

“What? What’s wrong?” Todd asked.

“Oh, it’s… well, it looks like we’re going to be… keeping these,” Dirk answered, awkwardly plopping his phone back down as his expression darted between guilt, awkwardness and indifference.

“ _What?!”_ Todd exclaimed. “What do you mean we’re _keeping these_? What— does he not want them anymore, because we are _not—_ “

Dirk shook his head quickly, and pushed aside the accusing finger Todd had poked in his direction. “Well, he sort of said he’s taking his business elsewhere because another agency was quick to offer him, uh, _sixty_ pies for his case. So unless we want to top ourselves off with _eighty…_ ”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Todd shouted. “ _Eighty?!_ No, wait, what kind of— who was insane enough to offer him double what we just bought? And who the hell _is_ this guy? Who likes pies this much?!”

Dirk puffed his cheeks and breathed out slowly. “I have no idea.”

“We just…” Todd leaned against the counter, head dropping in defeat. “We wasted over _a hundred dollars_ on this!”

Dirk placed a hand on his shoulder. “Oh, come on, Todd, don’t worry yourself over that. We have plenty to waste. The problem is we lost a _case_. Though I suppose if we lost it there’s a chance this is the universe telling us we were never supposed to take it in the first place. Maybe—!”

“No, no back up,” Todd demanded, turning to stare at Dirk incredulously and knocking his hand off in the process. “’ _Plenty to waste’_? Dirk, this is serious. I know sometimes stuff comes to us in that weird holistic way, but we really have to be careful not to go too crazy. Spending that much and having nothing to show for it is _bad!_ ”

“I wouldn’t say ‘nothing to show for it’. We clearly have a _whole counter_ of pies.”

“And what the hell are we going to _do_ with them?”

“You’re overreacting,” Dirk said, seemingly unaffected by Todd’s glare. “ _Yes_ , maybe it was a mistake to follow through with this request, but there’s really nothing to do about it now. I’m sure you’ll think of something to do with them.”

Todd doesn’t know what came over him, there was just something about Dirk’s nonchalant attitude that drove him _insane_. He— how could he not see his side to this? How could he be optimistic about all this and brush off his concerns?

“Yeah,” Todd said, bitterness coating his voice, “I think I know _exactly_ what to do with them.”

He didn’t hesitate to show Dirk what he meant. With ease, he slipped the nearest pie – pumpkin with whipped cream spiralling all over the top – into his hands, and pushed it right into Dirk’s face. He made sure to twist it around, smearing the pastry all over his features before letting go and allowing the foil pan to fall to the floor, only unappealing guck remaining inside. Dirk gasped, the remnants of pumpkin filling and whipped cream decorating his face, sticking to his cheeks and nose and forehead. He looked so ridiculous, unkempt and _scandalized_ that… yeah, Todd found it a little too funny, and had to fight to keep himself from losing it with laughter.

“ _Todd!”_ Dirk gasped. He wiped a hand down his face, leaving a single line mostly free of the pie. “You— how could you—?! I can’t _believe_ you would throw a _pie_ in my face! _Really_!”

Todd snorted, and a look of determination crossed Dirk’s face. _Shit._

“Oh, _two_ can play at this game!” Dirk declared, pulling a blueberry pie into his hands.

Todd shrieked, attempting to escape, but not moving quickly enough when Dirk grasped onto his arm with one hand and held him in place. It left Dirk the perfect opportunity to use the other to slam the pie atop Todd’s head. Todd let out another shout as the crust fell pathetically off his head and onto his shoulders and he felt the stickiness of blueberry sauce dripping down his hair. Unlike Todd, Dirk stepped back and left the rest of the pie on top of his head, allowing it to further sink down to his sculp. Okay. _Ew_.

“ _Fine_ ,” Todd snapped.

“ _Fine_ ,” Dirk agreed.

Even if it wasn’t the most traditional declaration of war, they both understood what awaited them with the utmost clarity as a flurry of movement commenced. Both rushed to arm themselves with pies, this time backing away from each other and running around the kitchen in attempts to avoid the other’s throw. Todd let out a battle cry when he threw his next pie, which pathetically missed its mark, only landing a little on Dirk’s socked foot. Dirk seemed rather disgusted by the result, so Todd still counted it as a win, and ducked when Dirk’s pie came barrelling towards him. He didn’t even notice it crashing to the floor behind him and inevitably making a huge mess they’d have to clean up later.

But later was later.

They lunged at the counter for their next pies – weapons set out for them in an easy to access space. It was an equal opportunity fight, and Todd would absolutely not lose. If they were literally tossing their money away in this way, then he should definitely have something to show for it. The two of them dashed back and forth between the kitchen area and the edge of the living room, both working on perfecting their aim while putting up walls to avoid further getting covered in sweet fillings and blobs of whipped cream. Todd was breathless as he moved, both from the strange amount of cardio he was putting in and from the laughter that fell freely from his lips. A weight had been lifted off his chest, even as he kept crying out in disgust as he was progressively covered in more and more disgusting pie remnants. It was so, _so_ stupid.

One of Todd’s pies landed spot on against Dirk’s shirt, covering the pristine white with the red of cherries. Dirk yelled his name in exasperation and Todd was practically in _hysterics_.

It was also really, really fun. Even when it definitely _shouldn’t_ have been.

The rate at which the pies disappeared was almost unbelievable, and it barely felt like any time had passed when the last of them went spiralling through the room. It wasn’t clear who won, both totally covered in some place or another with the sticky remains of the pastries. The floor and walls seemed to have suffered more than either of them, though. Maybe neither _really_ had the best aim. Or maybe they could blame it on the fact they hadn’t been throwing them with enough aggression. As much of a “fight” as it was, they’d never run the risk of actually harming each other in any way.

Todd struggled to regain his breath as he shoved his sticky hand in Dirk’s face. A last act of retaliation. Dirk gasped, and fought to push him off. They somehow ended up pushing their hands back and forth until Dirk slipped on some filling and both of them went tumbling over each other onto the kitchen floor.

They froze, locked gazes for a moment, then both promptly burst into laughter.

“ _Ugh_ , okay, okay, this is disgusting,” Todd said between giggles. He pulled himself off Dirk so he was sitting on his knees in front of him and shook his hands, guck flying off them and hitting the floor with a _plop_.

“This was entirely _your_ idea and your fault, Todd,” Dirk said, mirroring Todd’s position and trying to look stern but failing entirely.

Todd nudged Dirk with his elbow. “Wouldn’t have had to do it if you weren’t being so annoying.”

Dirk flicked a stray blueberry at his face. “If I didn’t occasionally annoy you, our relationship would probably fall apart _entirely_.”

“ _Right_ , sure,” Todd drawled.

There were several beats of silence.

“Todd, are you… _really_ so worried about money?” Dirk asked, hesitancy lining his tone and eyes reflecting something soft and genuine.

Todd sighed, almost not wanting to continue the conversation after temporary joy had clouded his mind. Still, _communication_ … “Yeah, I… we’re not in any trouble yet, but we’re close to it. If we keep wasting money on things like pies for asshole clients we could end up struggling to get by and I don’t… I don’t want us to have that kind of life, Dirk.”

Dirk put his hand on top of Todd’s and offered him a small smile. “We _won’t._ If the universe doesn’t provide us with cases and other solutions… we’ll find something. Some way. What happened today was tremendously ridiculous, and in the future, we’ll be more hesitant before doing such things again.”

Todd’s lips quirked up and a sensation of peace settled in his chest. “We’d better.”

“We will be,” Dirk assured him. He scooted closer and pressed their sticky foreheads together. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Todd whispered.

Maybe it was silly, but something about the unity of ‘ _we_ ’ and knowledge that no matter what, as long as they had each other, they could figure something out… it was nice. Comforting. Sometimes, it seemed, Dirk knew exactly what to say, and not even the food covering their faces could have stopped Todd from cupping his jaw and kissing him.

Their movements were tender and languid, sending waves of warmth through Todd’s body. Kissing Dirk enclosed him in safety and belonging, and he always found himself diving in further— immersing himself in deepening the connection until his mind was clouded from anything other than Dirk’s mouth on his.

Dirk pulled gently away with a contented hum. “Darling, this is _so_ very good, and I love every single kiss I share with you, but—“

 “You still feel gross?” Todd guessed.

“Oh, absolutely _disgusting_.”

Todd laughed. “Yeah, me too.”

“So…” Dirk trailed off, raising his eyebrows in a manner that was probably meant to be _suggestive_.

“So…” Todd echoed. “Shower?”

“My thoughts exactly!” Dirk said. He practically bounced to his feet before offering his hand to Todd, who took it with another laugh.

Getting the disgusting leftovers of their fight off his body and hair was definitely for the best. But the inevitability of being able to trail his hands over every inch of Dirk, and engage in whatever slow sex they could manage in the midst of the water and steam was even better.

They could face the absolute disaster they’d made of their apartment later.

… Or move again and _never_ face it. There were some mistakes that weren’t worth owning up to.

 “Hey, Todd,” Dirk said as he pulled him along, walking backwards to hold the connection of their eyes. “Do you _understand_ what you said a few minutes ago?”

“What?”

“You don’t want us to have that kind of life…” he explained. “ _Us_ , having a _life_ together. You’re… really planning on staying with me for the rest of your days, aren’t you?”

Todd’s face burned. “I— yeah. That’s the plan.”

Todd didn’t want to start spewing overused poetry, but Dirk’s growing smile really did look like the _sun_. “That’s... yes! I-I’m glad! Very glad!”

“Me too…” Todd admitted.

“I love you so much, you know,” Dirk said, pressing his hands up under Todd’s shirt as they entered the bathroom. “Even though you ruined a perfectly nice shirt with pie filling.”

Todd laughed. “I know. I love you, too.”

And maybe the continued joy on Dirk’s face as they shucked off their clothes and rushed into the shower was worth all the money they’d wasted that day.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Make sure to hit me up on my tumblr, [ Superhiro ](%E2%80%9Dsuperhiro.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) if you want to yell about Brotzly or offer a writing request!


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